July 23, 2014 at 2:10 p.m.
A wedding and a turkey baster (6/27/05)
As I See It
By By Diana Dolecki-
I was deflowered last weekend … in a Catholic church … by a woman named Michelle. Perhaps I should explain. My husband and I were waiting in the lobby with the other wedding guests at our niece’s upcoming nuptials. We were passing the time talking to people we hadn’t seen for quite awhile. Michelle was busy pinning flowers on the wedding party. She called me over and started to attach a daisy to my lapel. I told her that I didn’t get a flower, that I was just an aunt. She insisted that I did indeed rate a posy. It was only after the blossom was firmly pinned in place that she thought to ask if I was the godmother. I informed her that my husband was the godfather but I was only an aunt. Michelle promptly took the flower back.
We were in the church waiting for the ceremony to begin when she turned around and said, “I’m sorry I had to deflower you.” All this was from a woman I had never met before.
The ceremony itself was beautiful, as weddings always are. The bride and groom beamed happily. The bridesmaid who was pregnant and due any day was still pregnant at the end of the weekend. The flower girl was escorted by a well-behaved three-year-old boy. Nobody tripped or forgot their lines. It was a touching ceremony for a wonderful couple.
Things didn’t go quite as well at the rehearsal as they did at the ceremony. The aforementioned children played hide-and-seek under the tables as the family gave heart-felt speeches. The mother of the bride read a beautiful piece as she passed on her mother’s ring to her daughter. When everyone was nearly in tears she ended the speech with orders for her daughter not to pawn the ring.
There was a moment of panic when the bride’s younger sister admitted that she failed to bring the gift for the groom. The show went on and the groom’s gift to the bride was a piece of lightning-struck quartz that had been made into a necklace. It was as rare and unusual and as precious as the bride herself.
The reception was like nothing I had ever seen before. An aunt on the bride’s father’s side hid under the table when called upon to perform the “liturgical dance” she had been practicing all week. I still have no idea what a liturgical dance is, only that it involves a crown of some sort.
The wedding party tossed a football around in honor of the groom being a coach. The bridesmaids formed a huddle when it was time to toss the bouquet. The little sister of the bride, the one who forgot the present, was the who caught the bouquet.
When it came time for the groom to remove the garter he proved that he was a great addition to the family. The bride was seated in a place of honor on a folding chair in the middle of the room. The groom knelt at her feet. He disappeared under her skirt. The bride got the giggles. He emerged and looked around before disappearing again. Soon a shoe came flying across the room. He peeked out from the billowing skirts. He went back under. Another shoe went flying across the room. He disappeared for a really long time. The bride almost fell off the chair she was laughing so hard.
We expected the elusive garter to come next, but no, her bare foot was thrown across his shoulder. We started wondering what he was doing under there. He finally appeared waving the garter over his head. We all cheered.
As luck would have it, the boyfriend of the little sister who caught the bouquet ended up with the garter. It was only because nobody else would pick it up.
Then there were the turkey basters. Five of them. The bride, her mother, and her two sisters handed a turkey baster to the groom and told him he was to be initiated into the family. After the previous antics we weren’t sure what to expect. The bride’s mother related that when the girls were little they used to turn the radio up in the kitchen and sing along using turkey basters for microphones. To the groom’s credit he did a fine job of singing, at one point even sliding across the floor on his knees with the turkey baster held high.
All in all it was a fine way to start a marriage. I’m sure they will get many years of use out of their turkey basters.[[In-content Ad]]
We were in the church waiting for the ceremony to begin when she turned around and said, “I’m sorry I had to deflower you.” All this was from a woman I had never met before.
The ceremony itself was beautiful, as weddings always are. The bride and groom beamed happily. The bridesmaid who was pregnant and due any day was still pregnant at the end of the weekend. The flower girl was escorted by a well-behaved three-year-old boy. Nobody tripped or forgot their lines. It was a touching ceremony for a wonderful couple.
Things didn’t go quite as well at the rehearsal as they did at the ceremony. The aforementioned children played hide-and-seek under the tables as the family gave heart-felt speeches. The mother of the bride read a beautiful piece as she passed on her mother’s ring to her daughter. When everyone was nearly in tears she ended the speech with orders for her daughter not to pawn the ring.
There was a moment of panic when the bride’s younger sister admitted that she failed to bring the gift for the groom. The show went on and the groom’s gift to the bride was a piece of lightning-struck quartz that had been made into a necklace. It was as rare and unusual and as precious as the bride herself.
The reception was like nothing I had ever seen before. An aunt on the bride’s father’s side hid under the table when called upon to perform the “liturgical dance” she had been practicing all week. I still have no idea what a liturgical dance is, only that it involves a crown of some sort.
The wedding party tossed a football around in honor of the groom being a coach. The bridesmaids formed a huddle when it was time to toss the bouquet. The little sister of the bride, the one who forgot the present, was the who caught the bouquet.
When it came time for the groom to remove the garter he proved that he was a great addition to the family. The bride was seated in a place of honor on a folding chair in the middle of the room. The groom knelt at her feet. He disappeared under her skirt. The bride got the giggles. He emerged and looked around before disappearing again. Soon a shoe came flying across the room. He peeked out from the billowing skirts. He went back under. Another shoe went flying across the room. He disappeared for a really long time. The bride almost fell off the chair she was laughing so hard.
We expected the elusive garter to come next, but no, her bare foot was thrown across his shoulder. We started wondering what he was doing under there. He finally appeared waving the garter over his head. We all cheered.
As luck would have it, the boyfriend of the little sister who caught the bouquet ended up with the garter. It was only because nobody else would pick it up.
Then there were the turkey basters. Five of them. The bride, her mother, and her two sisters handed a turkey baster to the groom and told him he was to be initiated into the family. After the previous antics we weren’t sure what to expect. The bride’s mother related that when the girls were little they used to turn the radio up in the kitchen and sing along using turkey basters for microphones. To the groom’s credit he did a fine job of singing, at one point even sliding across the floor on his knees with the turkey baster held high.
All in all it was a fine way to start a marriage. I’m sure they will get many years of use out of their turkey basters.[[In-content Ad]]
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