Are pigs plotting to take over the world?

I think the pigs are out to rule the world. I read that pigs are considered to be the smartest animals there are except for primates and they are considered to be more intelligent that some primates. They say that swine are curious and insightful animals that have an intellectual capacity on par with the average three-year-old human.

Personally I believe that my three-year-old granddaughter is vastly more intelligent than a pig. I bet any children of that age in your family are also smarter than a pig.

Having said that, I am beginning to be suspicious of the porcine family. All this swine flu, excuse me, H1N1 flu, makes me wonder if it was a random mutation by the flu virus or a plot by pigs to take over the world.

Since a virus is incapable of self-reproduction I have to believe that somewhere there is a genius hog in a covert piggy laboratory creating this alien not-quite-life form.

Being a pig, it was not satisfied with piddling around with a new version of the virus that causes the common cold. Nope, it tinkered around with the original swine flu virus discovered in 1930 and it figured out how to improve it and transmit it to humans.

Then it held a meeting of all the piggy promoters. They invited the Sky-Is-Falling Chicken to be a guest speaker. Together they devised a marketing campaign designed to strike fear into the hearts of humans everywhere.

As a result we humans are encouraged to avoid shaking hands with each other. Personally, I think this is a good thing. I have been the recipient of one too many handshakes that left me wishing that I didn't wear rings of any type.

We are also to avoid kissing. I prefer it this way. If we are not related then keep your kisses to yourself. Hugging is apparently still acceptable.

Wash your hands frequently. This is always a good idea. The pigs like this recommendation because they buy stock in hand lotion companies. They stash stock certificates under their mattresses. Um ... do pigs have mattresses?

Anyway, swine flu is on the rise. The symptoms seem to be the same as regular flu. For people swine flu causes fever, lethargy, loss of appetite and coughing. Some people have also reported cold-like symptoms of a runny nose and sore throat. What I call flu, nausea and diarrhea, is not usually a part of it although it can be.

Pig symptoms include fever, depression, coughing, sneezing, breathing difficulties, red eyes and not eating. How does one determine that a pig is depressed? Does it retreat into a corner, cover itself with a blanket and moan softly? Does it cry? Does it crave chocolate?

The pigs designed this virus so it can't be caught from eating pork. That was a mistake on their part. One would think they would want to preserve their species but maybe there is war between different factions of pigs and one side developed this as a biological weapon.

However the virus came into being, it is here and we have to deal with it. I say we are better off using common sense than going into a panic about what might happen.

The Center for Disease Control estimates that approximately 36,000 people died of flu-related causes each year, on average, during the 1990s in the United States. As of today, May 1, 2009, there has been one confirmed death from swine flu. One.

Panicking over swine flu makes about as much sense as thinking it was developed by a genius hog.

Even so, I'm not taking any chances. I refuse to shake hands with a pig. I recommend you do the same.

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