Don't waste time on jealousy (12/10/07)

Today is my stepfather's birthday. I don't have to buy a present for him, as he has been dead for a long time now. He wasn't much for flowers when he was alive so I don't need to leave any of those on his grave. Even so, I do think of him on his birthday.

He married my mother when I was a mouthy teenager and accepted me as one of his own. He never once complained about the special bond between my mother and I and it never occurred to me to be envious of the relationship between him and my mother.

He made her happy and that was all that was important. He was a hard-working man who could argue politics with an opinionated teenager and hold his own. OK, so maybe he was right and I was wrong more often than not, but it was an entertaining way for each of us to explain our beliefs to each other and to ourselves.

It came as a surprise to me when my son-in-law recently told me that he has always been jealous of the closeness between my daughter and me. I had just assumed that most mothers and daughters were best buddies and protective of each other.

The relationship my mother and stepfather had was at times happy and at other times stormy. Again, I assumed that was how most marriages were. It never occurred to me to be jealous when they would dance in the kitchen or laugh over some private joke.

I, myself, have been married to my husband for more than half my life. We have not always been best friends during those many years but at some point we became a part of each other. I do not know where I leave off and he begins. There are many nights when it is such a relief to have him to come home to. I still love his sense of humor and the security he represents to me. He has seen me at my worst and likes me anyway. It is mutual. The connection we have is one of choice.

The relationship between husband and wife is completely different from the bond between mother and child. It is like comparing apples to oranges and my son-in-law's statement was unexpected as he has an equally close link with his own family.

Envy and jealousy are foreign concepts to me. They are pointless emotions. If you want something that someone else has then either work to achieve that goal or give it up. There is no point in beating yourself up wanting something someone else has. Besides, no one really knows what someone else's life is like on the inside.

There are many things I would like to have but am not willing to pay the price to get. For instance, I would love to be much thinner but am not willing to engage in that odious practice of healthy eating and exercise necessary to get that result. If I want a close relationship with someone then I do what is necessary to achieve that goal. It doesn't just happen.

Family connections have to be nurtured. I have cousins who are estranged from their children. I think this is not only weird but downright wrong. Even so, it is their choice and it is not my place to judge or even to try to get them to come to a truce.

What I am trying to say is that I do not know all the things that occur between any two people. Men and women have been coming together in marriage as long as there have been men and women. Whenever any two people live under the same roof there is bound to be friction. It is always easier to get along with someone you don't live with. Being jealous of something that is completely irrelevant is counterproductive.

We all need family to love us and to rely on. Family will love us and accept us as we are, quirks and all. Perhaps someday my son-in-law will realize that he is a part of this family as much as my daughter is. As long as she loves him we will too.

It's funny what thoughts come to mind on a dead relative's birthday...

[[In-content Ad]]