Getting in shape takes longer than 15 minutes (12/11/06)

The headline screamed, "A Better Body in Only Fifteen Minutes!" or some such nonsense. I can spare a quarter of an hour to get a better body. I thumbed through several pages of pictures of lithe women doing exercises. They were smiling. I checked to see if their fists were clenched in pain but no, they looked relaxed. They even looked like they were having fun. They also didn't look like they needed a better body.

I wondered what was meant by the term "better body." Better than what? Better than what I had before I did the exercises or better than my body was 20 years ago? If it was the latter then surely 15 minutes to un-age (is that even a word?) 20 years or so would be time well spent.

I decided to try it to see if it worked. It was then that I ran into the small print. It seems like one has to follow this program for months or even years to get a body like the one in the pictures. "Not fair!" I screamed silently. It said 15 minutes and I expect it to happen in one 15-minute session. To have to repeat it every single day is deceptive advertising.

Then the article had the audacity to mention that following a proper diet would enhance the benefits of the exercises. If I could follow a proper diet I wouldn't look like this in the first place.

It seems to me that in order to have what is considered a good body one must first pick the correct set of genes to inherit. You can have all the beneficial habits in the world but if you are genetically predisposed to be unhealthy then no amount of diet and exercise can correct that. I will concede that one can often delay the onset of serious problems by "living right" but nobody gets out of this world alive.

If a simple thing like a thyroid goes haywire then controlling the resulting weight gain is like trying to control a two-year-old in need of a nap. I suppose it can be done but it takes more effort than I am willing to expend.

I started thinking about the eternal quest for youth in this country. Is it really about the physical perfection of young people with flawless skin and flat tummies or is it about health, energy, optimism and the feeling of invincibility that comes with being young? Is it that we can remember a time when we sprang out of bed in the morning looking forward to see what adventure the new day would bring? I miss that feeling.

Once upon a time I could bend over and place my hands flat on the floor, now it is a chore to stoop over enough to pick up a penny on the sidewalk. I ache all over when I get up in the morning and it is only the restorative heat of a morning bath that unkinks the muscles.

I look in the mirror and sometimes I see my mother. Sometimes I even see my grandmother. Then when I get together with Mom I see my future and it scares me. I don't want to get old and feeble. I don't want to need help just to go to the store. I don't want to depend on others to help take care of me.

So when an article in a magazine promises a better body I leaf through it with the hope that I can hold off on some of the deterioration that seems to go with aging. Then I give up in despair as there is no way I can adopt their plan for a better body.

I do enjoy walking. On the days I do the paper route, I may groan and grumble for a block or two before the sheer pleasure of being outside kicks in. The paper route is the best exercise I know. It combines walking with step aerobics and weightlifting. Plus there are no excuses accepted. Rain, or snow the paper must be delivered.

Maybe I'll write my own fitness article someday. I won't promise a better body. I will promote paper routes as a way to get paid to exercise and get out into the fresh air. I just won't mention how miserable it is to do it in the rain.[[In-content Ad]]