Lights, mirrors make a difference (5/2/05)

In the very near future there will be a photograph that goes along with this column. This will be a terrible photograph even though the photographer was very good at her profession. I am like many people in that I don’t like having my picture taken because the results make me look like some sort of doofus at best and a criminal at worst.

In fact, there are only a couple of pictures of myself that I like. My Ball State identification picture is one of the few that looks good. It looks nothing like me, then or now. I still keep it as proof that the camera is capable of lying.

One year my daughter signed us up for “free” makeovers and a photo session. By the time they got done with me I looked more like Tammy Faye than myself. After we insisted that they remove at least a half pound of eye makeup and tone down the lipstick my daughter pronounced the artistry acceptable. We then were ordered to turn ourselves into pretzels by a barefoot girl in black who simply would not believe that we didn’t bend that way. The resulting prints were gorgeous … and expensive.

I think mirrors are to blame for much of my dissatisfaction with portraits. I get so used to having the lights just so and standing a certain way that I forget that I don’t really look like the person I see in the looking glass. The world sees a completely different face than I do. I remember asking someone once what I looked like. They thought I was nuts for asking.

If you think about it most of us really don’t know what we look like. We tend to automatically position ourselves so that we don’t see the tubby tummy or the saggy whatever. If we are depressed then we see someone ugly in the mirror. If we are happy then someone attractive smiles back at us. As we get older our parents show up in the mirror. This is most disturbing.

Our hair absolutely refuses to reflect accurately. Hideous comb-overs actually look good in mirrors. There is no other rational explanation for this phenomenon. There was a great mirror conspiracy years ago when beehive hairdos were all the rage for women. When we looked around us we saw how absurd this hairstyle was but our mirrors convinced us that having our tresses welded to the tops of our heads with tons of hairspray was a good thing.

Today’s styles can be dangerous. The various products used to get our hair to stick up in spikes also turns it into a lethal weapon. Our mirrors have convinced us that we are supposed to keep the “I just got out of bed” look all day. There are people who look fantastic with this hairstyle. I am not one of them. In fact, I have yet to find anything that makes me look good. Yes, this is one of those days when nothing will suit me.

I have a theory that cameras are joining forces with mirrors to make me look goofy. The mirror convinces me that I look fine then the camera works its magic and the result is a photograph worthy of giggles or maybe groans. Cameras have gotten used to me being the photographer instead of the subject and it confuses them when the tables are turned. Maybe that is why they all conspire to make me appear to look worse that I really do.[[In-content Ad]]