Names good for a laugh (4/4/05)

A drag racing Christmas tree. I stopped typing the auction ad when I came to that phrase. Who would want to drag race a Christmas tree? Would it be embarrassing to admit if you were beaten by a plant? I envisioned a pair of fully decorated pines streaking down a dirt track, ornaments flying off right and left and tinsel blazing behind. I wondered if there were different categories for pines, firs and spruces. Do they have separate classifications for decorated trees versus plain ones? Would they be sponsored by Miracle-Gro instead of by car companies?

Visions of conifers gunning their engines raced through my brain. Then I wondered if maybe they meant the trees were in drag. How could one tell? Were they wearing fake branches? Did they have lipstick on their needles and a hidden radio blasting Cher hits? Oh my.

I finally realized that what the ad was referring to was the set of lights that indicate the start of a drag race. The lights are commonly on a pole that is called a tree. With the engines roaring it isn’t practical to holler, “Ready, Set, Go!” I wonder how accurate a set of second-hand signals are. Do they favor one lane over another? Why would anyone buy them? Why would anyone sell them? Don’t race tracks already own all the equipment needed to run a competition?

The English language is a marvelous thing. A simple phrase combined with a lively imagination can provide some truly humorous images. I laughed about those trees the rest of the day. OK, so I’m easily entertained.

I typed some more. Someone was offering a house for sale. They described what seemed to be a normal dwelling until I came to the words, “immediate possession.” Is the house possessed by evil sprits or will the demons move in when the sale is finalized? Do they mean the new owners will be possessed when the transaction is final? Do they charge extra for the ghosts or would that entitle one to a discount? How can they tell that the beings doing the possessing will like the new owners or if they will be ready to inhabit different bodies at closing? Does it come with a free coupon for an exorcism if one doesn’t like being possessed? Do the spirits then have to find someone else that wants immediate possession?

When people are selling a bunch of antiques they often offer sadirons for sale. These are probably sad because they have been replaced by svelt electric versions. This has relegated them to dusty museums instead of sunny kitchen shelves. They don’t get to come out and play anymore. Sadirons are fond of practical jokes. They were especially good at scorching fabric or getting soot from the fire on the newly cleaned clothing.

Sadirons have removable handles and are pointed at both ends. This makes it hurt more when they are dropped on someone’s foot. They are named after an old term meaning heavy as some of them weighed up to ten pounds. These were heated on the stove which also made them sad that electricity hadn’t been invented yet.

One can find humor in almost anything. Our language is extremely imprecise and full of words that mean several different things. If you take things literally instead of the way it is meant you can laugh all day or you can go drag race a couple of Christmas trees. Just don’t trip over the tinsel.

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