Wanted: One gargoyle (05/19/08)

The gargoyle has left the building. Wait a minute, it was never in the building, it was on the porch. Its name wasn't Elvis. In fact, it didn't have a name.

Technically it wasn't a gargoyle at all. It was a grotesque. A true gargoyle is a waterspout (a thing that spits water) used to direct water away from a building. A grotesque does not carry water and has a face that resembles a creature. He doesn't resemble any creature I've ever seen, but then I haven't seen every creature on the planet yet. Plus a true gargoyle or grotesque is supposed to be made of stone or lead.

My little guy was adopted from Lowes. He is constructed of a lightweight man-made material. Perhaps if he had been made of stone he wouldn't have wandered away. I set him beside the roses in hopes that he would protect them. Every spring I surround him with houseplants. He seemed happy enough and squatted there for years and years.

This month when I moved the houseplants outdoors the little guy was nowhere to be found. Perhaps he went in search of the girls who yanked up my tulips by the roots. Or maybe he was tired of watching people steal things from my neighbor's porch and decided to do something about it. After all, grotesques and gargoyles are supposed to be guardians.

Supposedly they keep away evil spirits by being ugly and frightening. Mythology has it that gargoyles are able to come alive at night to protect people while they sleep. The ones with wings can fly and thus extend a cloak of protection to the entire neighborhood.

Even though my little guy had wings he didn't try to escape by flying. Maybe that means he was captured during the day. He wasn't repulsive enough to protect himself from being carried away. Or maybe he was ashamed of himself for not being able to prevent my neighbor's birdfeeder from being stolen. If that was the case he may be on a journey to redeem himself.

He does seem to get a chuckle when I read him the police reports from our newspaper. He doesn't understand why anyone would steal a toothbrush but he wouldn't mind a DVD or two to keep himself entertained.

Maybe he left because it is too noisy at our house. He might have been tired of being shaken by the vibrations of the cars playing what sounds like Mexican polka music. He much prefers the sounds of the squirrels raiding the birdseed that I hang up for the cardinals or the sounds of the blue jays screeching at stray cats.

In all the time we have lived there he is the first non-flower to come up missing. People cut across our yard all the time. Usually the worst they do is pick the flowers. I expect some of that. I do wish they would leave the bulbs behind. It costs money to replace them every year.

Perhaps my little guy has gone on some kind of retreat as a penance for not being able to prevent neighborhood theft. Maybe he is attending grotesque training school to hone his protection skills.

Or just maybe, he allowed himself to be captured by the same girls that stole my tulips in hopes of giving them bad dreams so they will mend their felonious ways. One never knows what goes on in the minds of inanimate objects.

In spite of our missing guardian I still believe this is a very safe place to live. Most people are nice. Most people are friendly. Most people are honest. I believe this to be true no matter where one lives.

If you see a little gray grotesque holding some black tulips please bring him home. We miss him and will save a space under the bird of paradise just for him.

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