What more could a brother want? (04/23/07)

A water balloon launcher. That was the first thing my baby brother requested for his birthday. He even gave me the website and code number. His alternate presents were more innocuous. There is nothing dangerous about a magazine subscription or a gift card. But a water balloon launcher?

I can just see myself as being the first victim of this thing. I suppose that wouldn't be so bad but his birthday is next week and the weather this time of year is unpredictable to say the least. It would be just my luck that it would turn out to be a nice warm day.

I told him I would be crazy to buy such a gift. He very kindly refrained from pointing out that I was already crazy. He informed me that wouldn't make any difference in my safety as he would have already purchased one for his son and one or both of them would be lying in wait for me.

I am very glad he gave me the web address. I never would have found the one he wanted otherwise. Did you know there are more than 250,000 entries on the web for "water balloon launcher?"

What could be so difficult about soaking someone that it requires that much information? As far as I know all one has to do is get a balloon, fill it up with water and throw it at an unsuspecting target. Apparently it isn't that simple. First one has to buy special balloons that are designed to hold water and break on impact. It helps if they are also biodegradable.

Plus there are special filling devices. Heaven forbid anybody should stretch one over a faucet and turn on the tap. There are pages of instructions on how to fasten the balloon so that it unties mid-air and increases soaking range and how to prick a tiny hole in the balloon so it sprays on its way to the target. There are the aforementioned launchers and cannons and a whole multitude of water guns that are nothing like the plastic pistols of my youth.

The one he wants looks like a slingshot on steroids. It comes with its own supply of biodegradable balloons, a filling thing that looks a lot like SpongeBob SquarePants' friend Patrick plus it promises to launch the squishy missiles for at least 75 feet. I considered a water cannon that promoted long-range warfare but decided I had a better chance of evading something that had to be aimed a little more carefully.

Lest you think all this foolishness is best left to children and not 39-year-old brothers you should know that your tax dollars and mine paid well-educated grown men and women to burst water balloons in the name of science. And you wonder why they keep raising our taxes!

According to a couple sites on the internet a NASA scientist and his team of researchers "burst approximately 50 water balloons over a four-day flight campaign aboard a DC-9." You read that right, they were in an airplane! Can you imagine the range you could get? No one would ever see it coming.

Supposedly the experiment was to demonstrate how large drops of liquid behave in a low-gravity environment. Now, really ... doesn't that sound like a convenient excuse to play while one is supposed to be working?

My brother doesn't have any illusions that this present is given in the name of science. He just wants to have fun with his family and perhaps soak his sister.

He deserves the chance to relax and enjoy himself any way he can. The burden of ferrying our mother back and forth to her myriad doctor appointments falls mostly on his shoulders. He is the one who lives closest and is conveniently off work on Mondays and Tuesdays. He and his wonderful wife see to it that Mom has what she needs, be it groceries, prescriptions or what have you.

Even so, I cringed as I typed in my credit card number last night when I ordered the super duper water balloon launcher for an outrageous sum of money. After all, he's worth it.

I'm just wondering if I should invest in a water cannon of my own. I've already made a note to myself to wear a raincoat the next time I see him.

I'll also pack a change of clothes on the off chance that he's a better shot than I hope he is.[[In-content Ad]]