Smart phone is frustrating

I give up.

If it is at all possible I want to travel back in time to when there was no such thing as a cell phone. I want a nice sturdy black telephone that sits in a corner of the room and is hidden by an open door. I want a phone that does not take pictures or play games and never ever quits working unless the monthly phone bill goes unpaid.

I want a phone that doesn’t disconnect itself in the middle of a conversation. I want a phone that doesn't ever need to be recharged because it is hardwired into the house. I want a phone that does nothing except connect two people together so they can have a conversation. I want a phone that doesn’t demand to be carried around like some kind of security blanket or status symbol.

In return I am willing to have a mental list of people I frequently call. Other people and businesses will have their numbers listed in a phone book, along with their addresses. I almost forgot, the phone book should also double as a booster seat for small children.

This phone should never be replaced or updated in any way, shape or form.

As we all know, we are not yet capable of returning to the land of what used to be. Technology marches forward and is unstoppable.

I would like to have a small child included with any cell phone acquired by any person over the age of 60 or so. This should be optional, as I assume there are plenty of people who don’t have as much trouble understanding their phones as I do.

Currently, my phone is insisting that it doesn’t have a SIM card.

It is lying.

As far as I can tell, the phone itself still works. I know for a fact that it does have a SIM card. Nobody has removed anything from it and, as it is an inanimate object, it doesn’t have the ability to eliminate part of its innards all by itself. Or does it?

Don’t get me wrong. I only want to restore the telephone’s past. There are plenty of modern conveniences that I appreciate. I do not want to use a wringer washer and a clothes line to do laundry. I like having a washer and dryer.

My grandmother, who had lots of siblings, told of having to wash clothes outside with the aid of a washboard. I want no part of that. Tossing things into one machine and then another is much easier than using a washboard.

There are many signs of progress that I really do like. Hot water, heating and air conditioning, and any number of conveniences are on my gratitude list. As for the cell phone, let's just say that I am grateful that it now speaks English instead of Arabic. It has also quit calling me Jeremy.

I am also grateful for the internet that shows me a grandson getting ready to play football. Even though Nicholas is the youngest and therefore the smallest of the grandkids, he looks downright intimidating.

The other grandson, Jacob, is now sporting a mustache. He is 12. I am hoping that he used face paint and not a permanent marker.

Meanwhile, granddaughter Emma is looking grownup in her homecoming dress. I have yet to hear about the homecoming dance.

All in all, I am going to have to come to terms with the smartphone. It has been in timeout today and I hope it has learned to be patient with me, unless I have managed to give it time to plot yet another plan to make me feel inept.