Too much clutter for experts (9/21/05)

Clive and Roger would not approve.

Those of us who wander through the upper reaches of the cable channels while surfing with the remote control know, of course, who Clive and Roger are.

They're "personalities" on a couple of nearly identical programs about selling real estate.

Clive, a foppish guy with a British accent, is the host of a thing called "Designed to Sell" on HGTV. Roger, an astoundingly muscled guy who may be compensating for his interest in interior design by spending too much time in the gym, works miracles on a show called "Sell This House" on A&E.

(It's a sad and embarrassing commentary on my TV watching habits that I was able to write the preceding paragraph.)

At any rate, the premise of both shows is the same: A house on the market that's tough to sell gets an investment of anywhere from a few hundred to a couple of thousand dollars and — voila — it's sold and everyone goes home happy.

Two or three things happen when we watch the shows.

First, we're staggered by the prices they're asking. Both shows tend to focus on go-go real estate markets like California or Florida. So, routinely, houses that would sell for under $100,000 here are fetching prices of $400,000 and up.

Second, we're often impressed by the common sense suggestions that the "experts" make. Roger, for instance, seems capable of working wonders.

And, third, we inevitably find ourselves wondering what the TV house experts would say about our place.

As I said, Clive and Roger would not be pleased.

Let's take a tour of the place through their eyes.

Right away, the damage from last January's ice storm would attract attention. Though we've removed several trees and trimmed more, the ugliness is still a factor.

Then there's the lawn. It's okay as far as I'm concerned, but I fear it wouldn't rate too highly with the TV experts when it came to things like dandelions or the occasional thistle.

Inside, I can hear them now, there's too much clutter.

Roger, Clive, and company are big on eliminating clutter.

In our case, and I suspect in yours as well, that means getting rid of dust-catchers.

One of our vices is art, and I'm guessing Clive and Roger would tell us we have far too much on the walls. Take those pictures down, they'd say. Put them into storage.

In the kitchen, which we remodeled just a couple of years ago, they'd have a field day.

Sure the cabinets look beautiful, but take down those dozens of family photographs, pull out the nails, spackle the holes, and repaint to cover it all up.

The family room? We love it. But we painted it a dark, hunter green.

That's a non-starter where these guys are concerned. Neutral colors rule, it seems.

They'd have us repainting in no time.

And then there's the matter of pets. None of these experts like pets when it comes to selling real estate.

Sorry, but the dog goes with the territory. So no matter how often we vacuum, you're going to find evidence of our black Labrador somewhere.

In other words, it's way too much work.

We'll just sit tight, thanks, content with our house as it is, with its own personality, its own quirks, and some very special memories.

As for Clive and Roger, they're welcome to visit, of course. But we're going to have to have a talk with Roger about cutting back on the body-building.[[In-content Ad]]