Children’s songs could be worse

It’s a wonder we survived childhood.
I’m not talking about the absence of child-proof caps on medicine bottles, the lack of safety inspections on carnival rides, or the fact that nobody riding a bicycle ever wore a helmet.
I’m talking about how annoying kids could be in the back seat.
Especially when they were singing.
Oh, sure, “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” was plenty annoying. But it was far from the only dreck in our repertoire.
Looking back, most of the songs were politically incorrect in some way or another. They seemed to be designed to make fun of others. That was — of course — why they appealed to kids.
If you are over a certain age, you know the songs I’m talking about.
How do you explain a lyric like, “My name is Yawn Yawnson, I come from Visconsin, I work in a lumberyard there. When I walk down the street all the people I meet say, ‘Hi, what’s your name?’ And I say, my name is Yawn Yawnson, I come from Visconsin,” and so on and so on.
“Yawn Yawnson” was, to be sure, a feeble attempt at a Scandinavian accent. Garrison Keeler, who has minted millions writing about Norwegians in Minnesota and Wisconsin, would have been appalled.
And our parents should have been appalled as well.
After all, they had to listen to that endless stream of crap.
Some of the songs seemed to have sprung from military marching ditties.
I think that’s the case with, “Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you throw ’em over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your ears hang low?”
There were other verses, but mercifully I seem to have forgotten them. Unfortunately, I suspect my parents carried them to their graves after repeated choruses coming back from Pokagon or Pine Lake or day camp.
If neither of those rings a bell, how about “Haggalina Maggalina”?
Come on now, you old folks, join in: “Haggalina Maggalina Hootenstoller Overdollar Hogan Bogan Logan was her name. Oh she had two eyes in her head, one was green and the other was red. Haggalina Maggalina Hootenstoller Overdollar Hogan Bogan Logan was her name.”
And on it goes obnoxiously, making fun of people with different-sounding names and different physical attributes.
Oddly enough, my sister Louise tells me she was able to use the classic “Haggalina Maggalina” while teaching young students in Japan many years ago. Whether they believe that some Americans have one eye that’s green and another that’s red is another story.
They were dreadful, dreadful songs, designed by the devil to tunnel into your brain.
So if your kids or grandchildren launch into a chorus of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” do yourself a favor. Join in. You know it could be much, much worse.