Cheesy citizens must stand alone

To the editor:
I think Donald Trump might be on to something.
I think it might be brown-eyed people who buy cheese instead of Muslims though.
I am pretty sure  I saw a bunch of brown-eyed people around the Swissland Cheese factory celebrating the fact that they could buy cheese. I have seen them at the grocery store buying cheese and they looked dangerous to me.
I think the least we should do (until we are sure of what is going on) is make all brown-eyed people who buy cheese register with the government and give them all an identification card and make them wear yellow arm bands.
Every red-blooded American deserves as much cheese as they want without government interference. We should be able to buy as many automatic cheese dispensers as we want with large capacity shelves.
This is America!
We must defend our homeland against all brown-eyed cheese buyers who seek to impose “cheese law” in this country! I pray to the god of the purple tutu to answer my prayer and save us from this scourge.
It must be real cheese though, not that cheese-food stuff … yuck.
If we stand united, the brown-eyed cheese buyers can be defeated.
I mean if they don’t like it here they can leave, right?
Michael S. Kinser
Portland